Nummer Drei

It is best to erase all personal history because that makes us free from the encumbering thoughts of other people.  I have, little by little, created a fog around me and my life.  And now nobody knows for sure who I am or what I do.  Not even I.  How can I know who I am, when I am all this?” ~ Carlos Castaneda, Journey to Ixtlan

Day 3.  I felt grateful today to be at home.  My stomach had been bothering me all morning, such that I had to run to the bathroom a few times.  It was a good day to be grateful for what I have.  I live in a beautiful pre-war apartment in New York City and with the freedom to empty my insides and clean up myself afterwards.  I thought of all the poor and homeless people who don’t have such luxuries that I do, and I immediately felt ashamed for my attitude the last two days.  Hopefully I’ll remember this at day 27 or even at day 192.  I mean who knows how long this health crisis will last, right?  I just have to keep reminding myself that I am truly one of the lucky ones, and that boredom really is the problem of the privileged.

I had another busy work day today.  I sat down to work at 8:30 a.m. and didn’t stop working until 11:00 p.m. (except for a few bathroom breaks and a quick 15 minute break to eat dinner).  After work, I forced myself to do some leg exercises.

For those of you who have been reading me from the beginning (2003!), you might have noticed that I’ve deleted (hidden) my prior posts.  Before I started this home quarantine, I archived all my old posts, which totaled nearly five hundred.  It was an emotional roller coaster reading through them.  Some posts made me cringe, some made me laugh, and a few more made me cry.  My only wish after having read them is that I should have written more.  There was a stretch of a few years when I wrote nothing.   Not one word.  I remember what I was doing during those years, but I cannot say for certain how I was doing.  Feelings fade and memories are fickle.  I wish I had my own words to give an accurate portrayal of those lost years.

I hid my past posts because I wanted to start a new chapter of my life.  A clean sheet.  A fresh start.

Little did I know that life truly would be forever different.  Welcome to the black plague of the modern world.

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