“I always feel as if I’m struggling to become someone else. As if I’m trying to find a new place, grab hold of a new life, a new personality. I suppose it’s part of growing up, yet it’s also an attempt to re-invent myself. By becoming a different me, I could free myself of everything. I seriously believed I could escape myself – as long as I made the effort. But I always hit a dead end. No matter where I go, I still end up me. What’s missing never changes. The scenery may change, but I’m still the same old incomplete person. The same missing elements torture me with a hunger that I can never satisfy. I think that lack itself is as close as I’ll come to defining myself.” ~ Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun
I decided that I will move. Again. The home that I built for myself and for G, was a home that I built when I was still in love. It was a home that I furnished and filled with love back when I still had dreams of a future with my ex. Now that that dream is no more, I have new dreams, new goals and new desires. It is only fitting that I move onward and forward, and let go of everything that still ties me to the past, and to him. After all, I never really wanted to move there. I had a beautiful pre-war, rent-control apartment that I gave up in order to move in with him, in his hometown. Before a year had passed, he had managed to cheat on me and get the other woman pregnant. G and I were left alone in our new apartment, tucked away in a suburban borough, and far away from where we were accustomed. I felt like a cornered lamb, defenseless in a foreign cage, with nowhere comforting to run. He had baited us to leave our city life with promises of a loving suburban home, and once we were settled and finally felt at home, he took out the butcher knives, and hacked away at our dreams and trust, and we were left like cut up little pieces of anguish and heartbreak.
Because we are strong, we managed to make the best of our lives, and to triumph, despite it all. G has managed to become one of the top students in her class, and I have similarly advanced in my career. The hurt and ache only drove us to strive harder. But, it is time to let go of everything and start anew. If she and I were able to succeed in spite of all the negative forces surrounding us, how much more prosperous we could be if we left all that behind us.