Take My Puppy!

There’s nothing unusual about seeing drunks walk around aimlessly at 6:00 in the morning here in New York. In fact, I’ve found that it’s actually quite a normal thing to see around here. There are, after all, no shortages of after-hours bars that cater to those that want to stay obliterated past the 4:00 a.m. closing of the regular bars. I’ve actually found that the streets are quite dangerous between the hours of 5:30 a.m. and 7:00 a.m., as all the drunks are either drunkenly driving home or walking (staggering) home as night turns into day.

So, there seemed nothing out of the ordinary this morning for me as I was jogging through my neighborhood and I saw a man stumbling through the streets. He was yelling incomprehensibly to everyone and no one, but I just ignored him and kept on jogging.

However, on my jog back home, I saw that the drunk man had stopped and was yelling at an old Mexican man with a little puppy. As I jogged towards them, I strained to hear what was being said.

“Give me your puppy, old man!” the drunk man yelled.

“Please, sir, go away!” the old man pleaded.

“Give me your f*ckin’ puppy! I’ll take your fuckin’ puppy!”

I saw the drunk man step forward and knock the old Mexican man’s sancho hat off his head. As the old man bent down to pick up his hat, I saw the drunk man step closer towards the old man, and it looked like he was going to kick the old man in the head.

In fear that something bad would happen and without thinking, I yelled,”What the hell is going on here?!”

“Who the f*ck are you, you little chink b*tch?” yelled the drunk man.

“I’m the b*tch that’s gonna kick your ass if you don’t leave this man alone,” I said calmly, and with much more confidence than I felt.

I’m not sure why, but the drunken man started to walk away. Perhaps it was my intimidating 4’11 frame. Or more possibly, the fact that I had my wolf with me frightened him away.

“Here, mister! You want a puppy?! Take mine!”

Window Woman

So, I’m minding my own business the other night, walking my dog down the block for her nightly exercise, when a woman opens her window, sticks her head outside, and starts yelling, “Hey! Do me a favor and walk your dog on another block! I don’t like dogs hanging around outside the house.”

As I ignore her, and almost on cue, my dog squats down to relieve her bladder.

“Oh, thank God, she’s only peeing, and not taking a sh*t,” I thought to myself.

“Now, see! That’s not nice! Pick that up!” the woman in the window yells.

“Do you have a rag I could borrow?” I ask her, “because she took a piss and it’s kinda hard for me to pick that up.”

“Oh. Well, just next time, walk her down the other block, would ya?”

“Whateverrrr,” I retorted.

The next morning, I walk my dog down the block, as I normally do. Out of spite, I loiter around the curb in front of the window woman’s house. Ever loyal to my wishes, my dog does her thing right there, for which I praise her loudly (and so that window woman could hear me), “Good girl!”

Like a responsible dog owner, and consistent with what I always do, I cleaned up after my dog.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see the curtains ruffle in the woman’s window. She didn’t open her window, although I was secretly hoping she would.

I wanted to let her know that no one, not even she, can tell me where I can and cannot walk my dog. It’s my neighborhood and my block, too. I’m a responsible dog owner, and I take pride in my block. I refuse to walk down another block just because she doesn’t like dogs hanging around outside her house.

And more importantly, I just wanted to let her know, in my own, silent, way, “Don’t.f*ck.with.me.”