“In this world, there is a kind of painful progress. Longing for what we’ve left behind, and dreaming ahead.” ~ Tony Kushner, Perestroika
The move to my new apartment this past July was really difficult for me. Firstly, I did everything by myself. While I did have movers to lift and transport the heavy stuff, I did all the packing and unpacking and rearranging on my own.
The idea of cleaning out my old apartment felt good at first. I had felt like I was shedding dead parts and growing into a new and improved version of myself. I called a junk removal service and scheduled a day for them to come and take away all those items that I no longer needed or wanted to bring into my new space. But when that day came, I panicked and I ended up directing them to take away far less than I had originally planned. As a result, I was still stuck with an apartment full of items and furniture that needed to be discarded. The stress of having wasted time and money on the failed removal project started to weigh heavily on me and I felt as though I could not continue. All I wanted to do was to go to sleep and never wake up as the task of completely cleaning out my old apartment felt too monumental for me to accomplish.
Somehow, I was able to pick myself up and just get it done. The next step was to unpack at my new place. The excitement of moving into a brand new space did not last long as the unpacking process was a brutal reminder of how alone I really was in this world. With the pandemic and health safety concerns, I really did not feel like asking for any help and instead unpacked and set up the entire apartment all by myself. I cried on many nights, drowning in self-pity that I had no one to help me with putting away things on high shelves or to help me lift heavy stuff like the mattress. The moving process made me miss the convenience of having someone like my ex who was very house-handy, and that led to me pining for him, even though I knew it was not really him that I missed. I just missed having a body around to help me. Mostly I just wished for someone to just be there.
After a lot of tears and sweat, I managed to get it all done.
It came along, slowly, but I did it.
I now look forward to spending cozy warm nights in my new home.