“It’s harder to talk about, but what I really, really, really want for Christmas is just this: I want to be 5 years old again for an hour. I want to laugh a lot and cry a lot. I want to be picked or rocked to sleep in someone’s arms, and carried up to be just one more time. I know what I really want for Christmas: I want my childhood back. People who think good thoughts give good gifts.” ~ Robert Fulghum, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten

It has been a tough year. Not the worst year by any stretch, but it was tough nonetheless. There was a lot of family strife, and a lot of old wounds resurfaced to remind me of unresolved conflicts and brought to light a lot of moments from my childhood from which I have never healed.

And so I decided that this year, I will not go home to the Philippines for Christmas. Hopefully I will not regret it later as my father is eighty-six and my mom is eighty-two, but honestly, I am mentally exhausted and feel as though I still need to mentally work through the conflicting emotions I feel, particularly with respect to my father, and to also preserve my mental welfare as I try to learn to let go and forgive him for the things he had us endure over the years due to his cruel and narcissistic behavior.

I currently have no plans for Christmas, other than to attend church either on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning, and then maybe order in some Chinese food and watch Netflix movies. I know that it sounds sad and pathetic, but it really is all I want to do.