“I am pressed so hard against the earth by the weight of reality that some days I wonder how I am still able to lift my feet to walk.” ~ Katja Millay, The Sea of Tranquility

I felt myself feeling heavy lately.  After a good long run of feeling light and inspired, the weight of the world has seemingly fallen on me again.  I feel my weight the most in the mornings, as I would get up to start my day.  I would make myself even heavier, by pulling up all the blankets, and sliding my entire body underneath the covers.  I would curl up in the fetal position, force my eyes shut, and drown out the noises from beneath my window.  I lay in bed for a few minutes, and endeavor to get up before the second alarm starts to blare.  But I am heavy, and the weight of the blankets on top of me are comforting, and all I want to do is sleep and never wake up.

Despite all the heaviness in my soul, I manage to get up everyday, promptly before 6:45 a.m.  I even manage to hit the gym several times a week in the mornings, prior to work.  I am a functioning heavy person.  I manage to live a high activity lifestyle, despite all the weight I carry around in my soul.  Sometimes I wonder how I manage to get to all the places I go, with the heaviness I drag around with me.  I even manage to crack jokes, smile at strangers, and hold open doors for others.  All the weight I carry is in my thoughts and in my feelings, and nobody knows that I am tired, or that I am praying for someone or something to come and take it all away.

One thought on “Heavyweight

  1. Hi Nova, Seeing you are doing so well in your current position I thought you may be able to negotiate a bit of pleasure and business that is to ensure you take a more flexible approach entailing time off between assignments. For instance, after the last assignment to Washington DC. It seems to me a possible catalysis to shake off some of that heaviness is to give yourself a bit more time to recoup as in recharging one’s mind and body by way of ongoing short breaks. Could you for instance, have a half day off once a week or better still a few days off in each month to suit? That is, you work a few more hours here and there to make up the difference. It might make all the difference, given you’re already coping, but help to lift the burden. It’s what I did about your age, so many years ago. In fact as I recall, it was the most productive time. I recall being promoted where I found myself facing a mountain of challenging work ahead, but realising I had committed to train and ride in the GREAT VICTORIAN BIKE RACE which was just a few months ahead. On the verge of cancelling out, I elected to try and fit it in. Nobody noticed I finished on time to rush out to train or didn’t arrive as early as I had previously. Best wishes

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