“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why god? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, ‘There’s just something about you that pisses me off.’” ~ Stephen King, Storm of the Century: An Original Screenplay
I was in a foul mood this past weekend. I felt angry and irritable and as though nothing was going right. To further intensify things, I had to work this weekend, giving me little to no time to decompress. I found myself folding laundry and doing housecleaning at 9:00 p.m. last night and I was so exhausted I wanted to cry.
Somehow my thoughts wandered to negative thoughts, and I started to think to myself, “People who say ‘God is good’ clearly have never had anything bad happen to them.”
My relationship with God has not been the best, to say the least. I do believe in God. I just do not believe that He is necessarily in my corner. The last time I prayed for something, He turned around and gave my dream/wish to the other woman. Suffice it to say, I will not be asking Him for anything anytime soon, lest He give it to someone else.
The anniversary of my sister’s death is coming up soon. I remember clearly how I prayed so hard for her not to die. We all know how that turned out.
Then, I prayed and pleaded with God for another baby. I even underwent fertility treatments and spent thousands of dollars and tears, only to end up watching the other woman give birth to a beautiful baby.
I realize that I sound like a whiny and annoying woman, but sometimes, I just cannot control myself. I feel badly though when I see someone who is homeless or who has much less than I do. It does help put things in perspective and I am humbled and realize how foolishly ungrateful I am for the things that I do have.
But I am only human, and I have to allow myself to feel these negative thoughts, let it out, and move on.