“I envy people that know love. They have someone who takes them as they are.” ~ Jess C. Scott, The Devilin Fey
I’ve been watching couples lately. I watch how they interact with each other in public, and I listen to stories from friends and even strangers about their relationships. I am curious about the mechanics of how relationships are supposed to work. I feel as though my track record with past relationships has not been very good. Did they all fail because of me? Did they fail because of the men who I chose? Why have all my relationships failed? Was I too intense? Too clingy? Or was I too distant and not open enough?
I try hard in any relationship in which I am involved. With my last relationship, I tried so hard that I felt exhausted and spent at the end of it. I try everyday, by being supportive, by listening, by rearranging my days and schedule to accommodate theirs, by taking care of them, and by being the person who I believe they want me to be.
I have spent most of my adult life being a skewed person of myself. I have contorted myself to be someone else to make others happy, and along the way, I have forgotten who I am inside.
But the “me” inside, the “real” me, wants to come out. It wants to be seen, to be heard, to be felt, to be needed, to be taken care of… to be loved. When was the last time someone took care of me? When was the last time someone bent over backwards for me? I have been so busy twisting and turning myself to take care of others, but they in turn don’t do anything to take care of me.
Every day, I see couples on the train, on the streets, in office buildings, and at grocery stores. I see them holding hands, leaning up against each other, or even kissing. I look at the faces of these couples, and I examine the smiles on their faces.The other night, I was at the grocery store. I walked up on a couple arguing in the parking lot. “You want to walk, don’t you?” the man said to his wife. “Ha!” she replied. “I can’t believe you said that. You are so walking.” he said. She starts laughing. “Then you’re going to have to call my mother and tell her you made me walk home.” They both laughed and he put his arms around her. As I walked past them, they both smiled at me. Here was a couple comfortable enough to fight, but yet remain loving and playful with each other. I felt a tinge of envy.I deserve that, too. I deserve to be loved, just as I am, and not have to work so hard at twisting myself into the person others want me to be. Maybe if I didn’t try so hard and just be myself, it might just happen.