“Or you might shout at the top of your lungs or whisper into your sleeve, “I hate you, God.” That is a prayer too, because it is real, it is truth, and maybe it is the first sincere thought you’ve had in months.” ~ Anne Lamott, Help Thanks Wow: Three Essential Prayers

I grew up believing in God, in His power, His grace, and His mercy.  I grew up believing that through Him, anything was possible.  “Ask and you shall receive.” 
I prayed to Him nightly.  I always counted on Him to be there for me when I was at the end of my rope.  And when things were good in my life, I thanked Him for all my blessings.
But tragedy struck my family.  My baby sister was diagnosed with cancer and in front of my eyes, she was dying.  I prayed fervently and vehemently for Him to cure her.  I figured that since I very rarely asked Him for anything, He could at least grant me my one wish to save my only sister’s life.
Despite my prayers, and those of all who loved her, she died anyway, a painful and cruel death at the tender age of twenty-two.
I thought surely that after suffering the devastating loss of my sister, He would let me live a peaceful, happy life filled with love and stability.  Instead, it was His will that I should meet and marry the alcoholic loser to whom I would lose the prime years of my life, even though I prayed for the opposite.
Everything that I asked Him to grant me, He gave me the opposite.
Eventually, I simply stopped asking.  Why ask?  For surely He would give me the exact opposite of what I wanted.  But “God doesn’t give you want you want, but He gives you what you need”, right?  Really?  Did I need to have my sister die?  Did I need to endure the hell that I was living during the years after her death?
And now I am at another crossroads in my life.  I need Him — the Him that I loved and believed in when I was a kid, the one who I knew was on my side and the one who would never forsake me.  But I don’t trust Him anymore. How can I come to Him when I no longer trust that He will grant me the wishes of my heart?  How can I trust Him when deep down I fear that not only will He not give me what I want, but might instead give me the exact opposite?
Where do the forsaken go?

7 thoughts on “Forsaken

  1. Wow. A real crossroads in your faith and way of being in the world. I feel for you. I went along a path that started at Christianity (by birth) and led me to looking at Buddhism, Bahai, mystics, a spiritual guru (I was a monastic for 8 years) and eventually more of an atheist understanding of life. I think finding one's own way to what is a good life is a tough but ultimately good thing. I always found reading The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran to be helpful…at every stage of my life. Today too.

  2. Oh my gosh, I can totally relate to your feelings of being forsaken. I wish I had a wise and comforting answer but I don't. The book One Thousand Gifts might be something to soothe your restless heart and what I learned to pray for was the grace & strength to deal with life's toughest situations. Learning to trust and rely on yourself is one of my greatest challenges. Hugs to you.

  3. reading the prophet is helpful. I feel for you and an only offer this prayer. Best wishes For beautiful Nova We beseech you our loving father and universal creator , upon whom we call in your good time and mercy to bless with your kind spirit and loving heart, for your gracious spirit to heal your beloved Nova and restore to her a tranquility in this world so that all her fears and pains are dispelled , that she may encounter better times, heath and her wellbeing restored ; to be healed in your infinite goodness and mercy in the light of your unconditional love and fulfillment, an anxious heart to be still, a heart to be restored ; we ask this in Christ’s name. Amen

  4. Dearest Nova, This is a blast from your blogging past, HEY! I was reading my old blog, and looking where old friends may have wandered and found you here! Good to see you are still blogging. And FEELING LIFE! Bless you friend. I too have had the same feeling of being forsaken and understand. The difference for me, being the Pagan I am and knowing Reincarnation to be true is paramount. Instead of having to wonder why God would deal me the cards of my Life, I KNOW I chose this life to be the way it is which leaves all responsibility on Me.Why would I chose a emotionally distant Mother who lied about my 'real' father for forty years before telling me, or who enabled my two nephews (along with their father) to their deaths by drug overdoses within 8 months of each other,,,, in my Mothers house, my old bedrooms, both of them. Or the deaths, why would I chose for people I need to leave me when I need them the most?? I ask myself. Hard questions of Life. I can only say,, about two years ago, my best friend died, and his last coherent words to me.LIFE SMELLS GOOD.Go breathe in some of it that Makes you feel ALIVE, and rejoice. You are NOT Forsaken, you are ALIVE,,, breathe it in. Sounds trite, maybe, but it has reordered the way I see things, and when I feel Forsaken, I remember what my friend said. LIFE SMELLS GOOD.

  5. This is rough! I go from not knowing how to trust to desperately praying and wanting to believe God. There's not much to say, but sending you lots of hugs Nova! Be strong and hang in there!~Aiza

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