“I search for the words. Restless. As if you haven’t really met yourself yet. As if you’d passed yourself once in the fog, and your heart leapt – ‘Ah! There I Am! I’ve been missing that piece!’ But it happens too fast, and then that part of you disappears into the fog again. And you spend the rest of your days looking for it.” ~ Libba Bray, The Sweet Far Thing
February 2014. When I sit down and think of what year it is now, I get anxious. Where has all the time gone? There is so much to do, and too little time to do them. I am unsure of where to begin and what I should do next.
I miss traveling. I miss going to foreign places and immersing myself in the culture of whatever country I am visiting. I miss the feeling of stepping foot in a place where I have never been and anticipating what adventure awaits me next. I want to make plans with friends to visit somewhere new and spend some time in the summer drinking cocktails under the stars in a quaint little sidewalk bar.
I miss the smell of newborn babies. I want to have more children and watch them grow right before my eyes. I want to experience youth again by living through my future kids. GP and I have been trying for six months, and as yet, have had no luck with conceiving. Although I am not yet technically “too old”, I am on the “later” spectrum of the breeding years and I have been advised by a fertility specialist that “time is of the essence.”
Travel? Or try to have more kids? Realistically, I cannot do both at the moment. I have to stay focused on one thing, and my mind is racing a million miles a minute. I am tired, but yet I feel restless and unsettled and I ache to do something. Anything.
What plans should I make for the rest of year? Should I make travel plans for the summer, or should I buckle down and start fertility treatments? I don’t know. I have to decide first what I want to do. But I want to do it all.