“You are the most dangerous kind of female the world can ever know. You carry the seeds for your own destruction and the destruction of everyone who loves you. And a great many will love you for your beautiful face for your seductive body; but you will fail them all because you will believe they all fail you first. You are an idealist of the worst kind – the romantic idealist. Born to destroy and self destruct.” ~ V.C. Andrews, Fallen Hearts
It’s a bit late in life, but I found a great love this year. The most important love of all. And even more special, I discovered this great love at the end of the year, during the holidays, when I am typically a pathetic mess.
I did not go home for Christmas this year. It’s the first year in a long time that I will not be celebrating Christmas with my family in the Philippines. But I felt it important to stay here, and cultivate this new-found love of mine. I felt it important to keep the momentum going. Taking a long, arduous trip to Asia would have exhausted me, and I really just wanted to plant my feet firmly on the ground before I think of taking flight again.
This great love of mine?
The thing is, I finally fell in love with myself.
After living most of my adult life despising myself and regretting most of the choices that I have made, I have finally forgiven myself for all the blunders and debacles I have created, and I have come to the realization that I am not such a despicable person. And the truth is, I am actually quite of a jewel. A bit tarnished maybe, and chipped on some surfaces, but I still carry value in general.
I can finally look at myself in the mirror and not hate what I see. I don’t mean that I see physical beauty in my reflection, but I can finally see into my own soul — and what I saw was a person who just wants to love those around her and be loved by those same people.
The problem was that I was allowing my relationships to define who I was. I was attracted to those who were toxic and who sought pleasure in making me feel less than who I am. I was attracted to incomplete men whose deficiencies manifested in their unfair and even emotionally abusive treatment of me.
They always made me believe that I was so undeserving of anyone’s love, and so I became addicted to seeking their constant approval, and when instead I would get their rejection, I felt as though my whole world would fall apart.
But no more.
I am who I am. I have flaws, and many of them. But who doesn’t?
Love others, but don’t forget to love yourself. It’s the best gift of all.(Photo credit)